i'll wait

weheartit + ffffound

Goodbye 2010 Hello 2011

 

Happy Happy New Year!!

image 1 - kate spade via pretty stuff, image 2 - , image 3 - little of that, image 4 - kates papiere

i still love you, damn it.

weheartit

It happened two weeks ago, yet it seems like it happened just yesterday. I had planned to propose moving in together in two weeks, but before I could do that, you left me. Never before have I been hurt that bad. I can't fall asleep anymore, I find it so damn difficult to concentrate on anything.

For the first four or so days I was shocked. I wondered if you ever really loved me. We were together for two years, yet you dumped my by sending me a letter. Yes, a damned letter. I should be angry, I should be furious. I want to be mad at you. But I simply can't. I keep wishing for a bloody time machine so I could just roll back everything we've done and said to each other. I just want you back - I still love you.
I try to think of everything bad that happened between us - I try to cling onto all the bad memories that we shared. And then I suddenly realise - I even miss those. I miss all our fights, I miss how we used to kiss and make up. I wanted to propose to you, I wanted to grow old together. I wanted to give you my life and in exchange I only asked for your love.

The day before yesterday was Christmas Eve. I spent it alone. If things were different, we would have celebrated our decision to move in together that night. But things weren't different. I just can't stand it anymore.

I promised to love you forever, no matter how naive that sounds. And I was going to hold up to that promise. And no matter what - I still will.

I still love you, damn it.

R.

silly

Andreas Öhlund + unknown

it scares me

jubsrawr

I guess one could say that I’m scared.


1) I’m scared of loving and getting hurt.

2) I’m scared of losing my independence.

3) I’m scared of new things and the unknown. Like having a boyfriend.


1) There are few things I truly love in this life. My mother and father, my two brothers, my best friend, music, and good food. Those are my true loves. I know that none of these objects of my affection would ever hurt me.There have been a couple of times in my life when a guy has shown real interest in me and I’ve turned him down due to the fear of being put in a vulnerable position. The single time I really, really liked a guy, he just lead me on and ended up making me feel like shit through many douche-y acts. If I wasn’t concerned enough before about this whole love dealio, I certainly was after that idiot came and left my life. The question that’s been asked millions of times before: is love worth all of the pain that will most likely spawn from it? Sure, everything is rosey and sugar-coated at the beginning, but what happens after the honeymoon phase subsides?

2) I’m almost 19. I’ve never been one of those boy-crazed girls. Never really worried about relationships and all of that. But now that there’s another chance for me to get close to a guy, I’m scared of losing my independence. It’s not like I’m a promiscuous girl… that’s the last thing anyone would call me. I’m scared of losing the strength I have as an individual. Where I am now, I feel confident about myself and my abilities, and I’m so scared of putting myself in a position where someone could possibly make me doubt myself. Should I put that on the line just to possibly fall in love?

3) New experiences are scary. The first time I sang alone on stage I was literally about to wet myself. The first time I went on a date, I thought I was going to hyperventilate. The first time I was kissed, the world seemed to tip over and I felt completely out of control – and not really in a good way. Starting a relationship with a guy is completely unknown territory for me. I wouldn’t know how to act, what to do. I don’t even know if I’d be willing to kiss and be kissed at random intervals throughout the day. These are MY lips. I’m scared of being seen, with no make-up on, in harsh daylight. I’m scared of not always smelling good and not always being in peak physical condition. I’m scared of any guy touching me in a way that I haven't been touched before. I’m scared of having to play a part that I don’t know how to play, because all I can be is myself and myself is not a girlfriend.

I try and justify the possibility of turning him down by telling myself that if it takes this much thought, it’s not meant to be. But not every romance begins with love at first sight. Not every couple started out on ideal terms. Yet… I don’t know what to do. The easy thing would be to simply continue doing what I’ve been doing my whole life – nothing. Or I could put everything on the line and just go for it.

I’m not even in love and I’ve just given up hours of sleep to write about it. This worries me. It scares me.


-CK

someone loves you out there

weheartit

promise me that nothing has changed

unknown

It's the holidays. I guess I never fully expected you to come home by now, but I did fully hope you would.

I think about that hot muggy July day at the downtown Milan station often. & how I cried the entire 3 hour ride back because I didn't know when I would see you again.

The pain then was unbearable. I guess you could say that it has now become bearable. That doesn't mean that I don't think about you everyday and wish that things could have been different.

I can no longer handle the 6000 mile difference. I want to be best friends that love & miss each other. And please just reassure me that I will be the first person you call when you land in L.A. Promise me that nothing has changed.

After everything that I happened, I still think about the way it was in the beginning. & Even though I'm moving on, this doesn't mean that I won't still be here once the circumstances have changed and our stars are finally aligned properly.

Know that I think about you.

Mi manchi, amore mio.

-K

All Over Red Rover

 

Well, that's it.  I'm finished for this year.  It has been one of the biggest years of my life.  I've had a beautiful baby boy who I absolutely adore, I've renovated our store, I've imported my very first 2 container loads of Stuart Membery furniture for Black & Spiro, I've moved house, I've started renovating our new house, I've decorated lots of wonderful homes and met lots of lovely new people, I've made new friends and I have to say I haven't cried as much this year...that in itself is a huge achievement for me as I tend to cry when I am stressed so that must mean I haven't been as stressed this year!!

I've had a wonderful year and I am looking forward to spending some much needed time with my boys.  I am looking forward to reflecting on all the things I've achieved this year and I am very much looking forward to having some time over the holidays to make plans and goals for the year which lies ahead.

As I move into the 5th year of posting here on my blog I hope to be able to continue to inspire you as I lead you along my winding road.  I am also looking forward to following the journey of my very talented and kind fellow bloggers in 2011.

Thank you for your interest and for continuing to read my blog.  You are all so wonderful and very supportive.  This really is such a happy and positive community and I am so thrilled to be a part of it.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

See you soon.

Anna

xxx

image - black & spiro, elouise van riet-grey

i just can't

nip/tuck screencap

Almost There...

Today I delivered this armchair to one of my lovely clients in Toowoomba.  The orchid printed linen we covered the chair in is actually one of my favourite fabrics at the moment.  I can't wait until tomorrow night as we will be completely finished our pre-Christmas installations and deliveries.  It certainly has been a wonderfully hectic Christmas season and I can't wait to have a couple of weeks away with my boys!!

it was real.

ffffound

You were my first man. There have been lots of boys, and I loved them in an immature first love kind of way. But you were the first real thing. When we first met at a party, the connection was instant, but you left for the summer and the timing wasn’t right. I thought about you while you were gone, and we kept in touch even though we had only met once. Then you came back, and everything fell into place. It was so easy. One date and that was it. No games. No guessing if you liked me, no decoding your text messages, because I knew. And you knew. We would stay in bed until 4 if neither of us had class, making love, laying, talking, laughing. You were so sweet, and I was so consumed with love and excitement and happiness. I remember telling my friends about you, I couldn’t even think about you without smiling. My parents could tell this was different. Once I overheard my dad telling my uncle that he knew this was real, and how happy he was to see me with someone who treated me the way a dad wants his daughter to be treated. You were always scared that he didn’t like you because you were older, but I think your maturity was part of what he liked about you.

The summer came again, and you had to go away for work. I went home with you before you left, and I remember when you dropped me off at the bus station how scared I was to be without you. I was crying and you were there to wipe the tears away. It was the worst bus ride, all I could do was think about not seeing you for four months. I’ve never missed anyone like I missed you. It really did feel like part of me was missing. I think it was harder for me than for you because you were out on the road, and I was at home living our life only without you there. I missed everything about you. The way you smelled. The way it felt to lie beside you. Your jokes. Your laugh. I felt like I couldn’t laugh without you there. We talked on the phone and on skype, and we tried to keep the intimacy alive even if it was through a computer. It was a long summer, and when it got close to you coming home I was counting down the days. I wasn’t even tempted by other guys, you were all I could think about. I remember the night you got back, and I got rid of my roommates and planned a romantic dinner, and right before you got there I found a mouse in my kitchen. I had planned to jump on you and kiss you the second you walked through the door, and instead you found me terrified and flustered. But it didn’t matter. As soon as you were there it was like you had never left. And we were happy. And a month or so passed, and we did all the things we used to do. And it was perfect.

And then one day I woke up and it wasn’t. I can’t remember when things started to come undone, I don’t think it was any single thing, just our whole world. It was so gradual that I didn’t even notice it happening, but all of a sudden it was there. Or I guess it wasn’t there. The butterflies were gone. I used to hate how you would never fight with me and just let me win instead because I wanted the passion of the anger. Then we fought once. And then again. And then all we did was argue. Over nothing. Over everything. I don’t remember when we stopped making love, but you noticed and it made you insecure. And then we fought about that and it made me insecure. It was like we were going through the motions, nothing really changed except me. I wanted to want you like I used to, but between school and work and life somewhere I lost us. One night we were watching tv and I realized there was almost a foot of space between us. We used to cuddle so much sometimes I couldn’t tell which arms were mine. We talked about it, and we said we would try to make things better, and for a little while we did, but nothing really changed. I think I knew the end was coming, but couldn’t admit it to myself, or to you. Especially not to you. I think you knew too. You said all you needed to be happy was me, but I was the one who was making you hurt. One night we fought for so long, and then I let go of everything and we made love. And it was real, and it was passionate, and it was us. And I thought maybe that would make things better. And then within ten minutes, we were somehow angry again. I think that is when I really knew. Christmas break came, and we hoped the space would give us time to think and to miss each other. We said we would come back in the new year and start fresh. But when I got home, I met someone else. I’d always known him, but never really looked. It was just a crush, not what we had, but it reminded me of all the excitement and butterflies that I wasn’t feeling anymore. It became so obvious that we were done that I could finally say it out loud. At first I only said it to my close friends, and then I realized I had to say it to you. I couldn’t wait till we were together because you were going to spend so much money to travel and see me and I knew I couldn’t ask you to do that. So I called. My stomach was in knots. I tried to plan what to say but as soon as I heard your voice I couldn’t remember. We made small talk, and then I just blurted it out. And once I said it, it was there. I don’t know what I thought you were going to say, but you didn’t say anything. The silence was the worst part. You said you had to go, and that was it. over a year and it was over in 20 seconds. You called me the next day and we said all the things we were too scared to say before. It hurt like hell. It still does. You told me I was giving up on us. I guess I did. But we weren’t really us anymore.

You said you were going to leave town, you only stayed because of me anyways. Hearing you say that made me feel so alone. And I was scared that I would regret this, and you would be gone and it would be too late. I guess I just have to live with that now.

I hope you know I tried. And that I loved you. I really, really loved you, with everything I had. I couldn’t have asked for a better first real love. Im sorry that you got hurt along the way. I hope you don’t think I threw everything away. I think we just outgrew each other. I know it’s going to kill me when you find someone else. Seeing you hold her hand. I used to ask you “what are you thinking about right now?” whenever we were laying in bed. I still wonder. I probably always will.

It was real.

all aspects of my mind

unknown

Dakota and NYU

Dakota Fanning might be going to NYU next year for sure. She's just written down that she was accept to go there!

Loving

I am completely in-love with these images...especially that lovely pink!

image 1 - sara hicks malone via decor8, image 2 - paule marrot {image source unknown SORRY!}, image 3 - miles redd

Thanks FFF!

Thanks Fashion Food Fatale for including me in their wonderful global guide feature on their fab website!!

New Spirit Day Picture

New 80's Day of Dakota Fanning at her school during spirit week.

trying to hide your love

weheartit

At first you loved me, I didn't care, it was fun. You were beautiful, not as much in your body as in your smile and your all-loving nature. I got addicted to your attention but I wasn't ready for the closeness. At last i surrendered, and that is the story of how I lost it all. It endured for 12 agonizing months. We both changed in the wrong direction. We came too far from what we really were inside. Now love is gone. It was untrue to my heart, and cruel to yours to be like that. I'm too selfish. I always ended up getting hurt from some indifferent things you said, and I always thought it was something terrible about how you didn't like me anymore - anything could be translated to this.

It's like this baby I once heard of. She lived in an orphanage where the "parents" didn't give the children enough to drink. After 1½ year of only the very smallest amount of water the girl was taken away, she was placed in a new family. The new parents wondered why she would go around hiding cups and glasses of water all over their house, in the strangest of places. But knowing her story, they wouldn't have wondered at all... I wish I was wise and knew always what to say. I wish I was cool and always sweet and helpful. But the fact is I wasn't. I was just too busy running around trying to hide your love in so many places that in the end we both got so confused that we even forgot how to be friends. I wish I could go back and change it all, maybe slap my self in the head and make me understand that sometimes saying and doing nothing is the most loving thing you can do. Love is, when you write about it, easily becoming clichés, that is because love in its form IS a cliché, but love in its art is very rare. I think I've learned my lesson. Wish you'd come back to me Elaine...

Guybrush

together/divided

julian bialowas

Norman Park House

The Art of Hanging guys do a wonderful job of hanging pictures...I think they almost die everytime they see a booking from me as they know that a cluster wall will be involved!

Every week for the last couple of months my lovely client has been visiting black & spiro picking up bits and pieces for her beautiful home. I was so excited when I walked into her wardrobe and saw all of our black & spiro shopping bags! When we first opened black & spiro 10 years ago we couldn't really afford to have the printed shopping bags so whenever I see our shopping bags now I smile!!

Look at this fabulous wall vase we hung on their cluster wall...I love this!

I've been trying not to post photos of the lovely jobs I've been working on lately as I am attempting to save them for our new black & spiro website which will launch in 2011. But, I had to share these photos of this job I have just finished working on as I absolutely LOVE it! It's so bright and so happy and so fresh and my lovely client {who has just been the best fun to work with} is thrilled...phew, nothing more wonderful than a happy client especially at this time of year!! One of my favourite things in this house is the multi-coloured vintage bentwood dining chairs we painted up for her. Enjoy your gorgeous house HB!

about life. about love.

unknown

Every time this time of year rolls around, I get slightly nervous, fearful of reminiscing. For it was at this time, two years ago, that we got to know each other.

We were nothing but acquaintances, and I never would have guessed we would be anything more than that. For one, she was two years older than I, and for another, she looked intimidating. Tough, tomboyish looks, and a way of keeping trouble-makers under control – being as sensitive as I was, I didn't think I'd click with who I knew of her.

But her first words to me were kind ones, and I could only respond in the form of mutual respect. From then on we became friendly acquaintances, though naive I was of our undeniable chemistry.

Naturally the chemistry brought us together. She came out to me in one of our first conversations. I didn't know of anyone personally at that time who was homosexual, and it was unexpected, but it didn't make me see her any differently. The holidays rolled around, and we became fast friends. We continued to talk on online, and I was surprised of how much we had to talk about and how endless it seemed. I just knew that I liked talking to her, which was all that mattered. Naturally, we started talking on the phone. Slowly, we got to a point where we talked everyday, and if we didn't, it was strange. I didn't know that meant I'd be diving into something so much deeper.

She told me of her escapades of an unrequited infatuation, I informed her of my requited one. It wasn't until one night in which she told me she liked someone new, and felt sad because I had just hung out with my crush that day, that I realized she liked me. She didn't even say it. We didn't exchange any words, but we both knew. She didn't want to make things weird, and neither did I, for I didn't ever want to stop being her friend, so I told her that things wouldn't change between us.

And they didn't - at first. We got back to school the next day. We saw each other in between classes. I saw her interacting with others. And the strangest feeling hit me - jealousy. It was unnerving, feeling that way when seeing her talk to her friends.

The next day, I admitted my feelings of confused jealousy, and she said the feeling was mutual. The jealousy ebbed away at that point, with trust. I trusted her; she trusted me. I still felt it sometimes after that, especially when she would talk so passionately about her ex. But I felt relieved when I could trust her. However, that day I did not admit that I liked her, because at the time I was not aware of it, and was in denial of the fact that I could be gay.

Yet I fell for her. Hard. She was not generically pretty; she had her own kind of beauty. She was athletic. She looked good in a volleyball uniform. She was caring of her family, of her younger brother. She had a soft side - a side which showed her concern for others. She had personality. She was a risk-taker. She had a passion for music. She was selfless. She was authoritative. All things that I envied. I asked her why she liked me. She said I was nice. She never pointed out anything else. Perhaps it was my skill on piano. Perhaps it was that I cared about bigger world issues. I never really knew. But I never questioned her love for me.

By the mid-January, I felt like I had already known her for ages, yet there was still so much to learn. She felt insecure of herself and I knew exactly how to comfort her because I could easily pick out her admirable qualities to tell her how amazing she was. Her family situation was a bit of a mess, and it affected her emotional state of mind a lot. She needed me, and I felt purposeful making her feel better just by being there. She would remind me of how great it was to have me in her life and I would be surprised but not at all disconcerted.

January, February, and March were great. Time flew by. It was an adventure. We were best friends. I felt complete, like a sense of wholeness had taken over me. I noticed that I was no longer searching for cute guys. We weren't officially going out but that didn't matter - to me, at least. Little did I know that it bothered her, though I was sure it didn't when she loved me enough - when she thought I was worth it.

At the end of March my parents started suspecting something was up between us - that we were more than what we said we were. They voiced their concerns; I denied them, up until early April that is, when it was too obvious. That was when things started taking a turn for the worse. My parents were not homophobic, but they did not want me getting any deeper in the 'friendship' because they didn't want to see me hurt - by others who would judge, and by her. They were ignorant, or in denial, of how deep into it I already was, and felt they could pull me out of it before it was too late.

Although my parents' objection was a factor that broke us apart later, our first fight was because of something unrelated. I had too much pride,

believing that I was right. She gave in, but she preferred to avoid the whole problem altogether. I wanted to talk about it, but she wanted to let it go. So that was it. First fight, which foreshadowed our irreconcilable differences. I didn't think it would so difficult to find a resolution. We never really did. Another problem that came about was our relationship status. She officially asked me out and I said yes at first, but my gut told me no. So I apologetically changed my mind at the end of the day. She told me she didn't mind giving me more time to think about it.

By mid-May I was certain that I was willing to commit to her. I needed to know that I wouldn't be hurting her before saying yes, because I did not want to lead her on - even though one could argue that that was exactly what I had been doing for the past five months. However, I know now that I wasn't. I just wanted to be certain that I would be willing to give up the perceived image I had of having a husband in the future to be with her. When I was certain, I told her that I wanted to go out with her. And we were both delirious, though little did I know that she would deny what I said later, and use it against me to justify the break up.

We had differences. Differences that we could not settle, or compromise, that snowballed towards a break up. Like physicality. It wasn't important to me, and I was slightly repulsed by it, but I knew that she felt differently, for she had experience in previous relationships. Not that she didn't respect my wishes - she was patient - and it's not that I didn't enjoy it, at times. We held hands. Hugged. Cuddled. But nothing of the extreme, because I was uncomfortable sometimes, yet too embarrassed to admit that I wanted it at other times. By May, it was like a huge roadblock in my own mind and in the relationship. An elephant in the room. Because I wanted her and I wanted to do what she was capable of doing to me, physically, but it was awkward and new to me and I was not confident with it. As a result, things started getting weird between us. I felt like I was losing her attention. But that was not the only factor that caused her attention span to wane. We got into many fights. I was oversensitive. She was blunt. She was flirtatious. I was paranoid and jealous. I knew that she still loved me, but I was losing trust. I did not know that I would lose her, so I tried to confront her about it, again. We would have some good days but more frequent bad ones.

By early June, she was gone. Emotionally. There was a week in which we were distant. I felt as though I was unaware of her business, which was strange, for we were always close. I knew though, that she was spending time with another girl. I was jealous. I confronted her about it. She denied it. I tried to restrict her. The worst part was when she stated that next year things could change because she would be leaving for university, something she had never brought up as a problem before.

By the end of the week, I decided to try to win her back, because I still had faith that we could renew our passion. But she told me the truth after my failed attempt - that she had developed feelings for the other girl. I asked if she wanted to break up. She said yes. I was torn, but we still promised each other that we would remain friends. That was before I realized such a promise was just an ideal. An impossibility. I could not sleep that night, for when I lay down and thought about what had just happened, I cried.

The next day she asked if I was okay but I was bitter. I had a lot to say to her, for I hadn't accepted the fact that we were over. So I wrote it all out and sent it to her in the afternoon, desperately pleading for her to change her mind.

She said she'd think about it. I believed her, because it was the only way to make the pain go away. I waited impatiently for a day, until I asked to confront her in person about it. When I saw her, she was distant. I did not know her. I begged of her to get back together, but changed my mind when I said I shouldn't be with someone who did not love me. I was a confused, hurt mess. I wanted her to feel remorse. I wanted her to hurt over me. I wanted her to feel as though she couldn't live without me.

My heart tricked me to believe that that was the case. That she had the words 'I never imagined this would be so hard...' on her status because we had broken up. I asked her about it. She said it wasn't about me. It was about university, leaving high school, and leaving her family and friends.

And that was the end of it.

It hurt a lot. And although I am still finding it hard to have faith in 'forever's, but I know that the experience allowed me to learn a lot. About the importance of gratitude. About life. About love.

Givit

I am under the impression there are many, many people reading my blog on a day-to-day basis. I sometimes wonder why you read my blog. I ramble on about things I am creating for my shop and my clients and I talk very fondly about my family and the importance I place on creating a home. I talk about the things I love and I try to keep this place very happy and positive.

Over the years, I have thought about doing advertising here and donating all the proceeds to a charity but I really don't like the look of adveristing on blogs. It's just not my thing. I have also tried to think of ways I can help others through my blog. So I am really hoping that this post will help others. Here goes...

I recently met the founder of a Brisbane charity called Givit and what an inspiration she is. Givit connects people that have with people that need. Givit has a list on their website of all the things people around Brisbane are needing and if you have it or want to donate it then all you have to do is fill out the form on the website and give. I just checked out the list and today there is a teenage single mother who is fleeing domestic violence. She needs some bedding for a single bed, a cot with bedding and some general household goods. It's so easy to help. Just CLICK HERE NOW and you can see the list of things in need. The list changes constantly so keep checking back or you can just give anything to their virtual warehouse.

At the moment Givit is available only in Brisbane however, I believe they are just about to go national so everyone around Australia will soon be able to give as well. I will keep you informed about this.

I am going to give to Givit this week and I really, really hope you will too....

PS. Juliette {the founder of Givit} has also just started a blog so make sure you head over there and give her some support...click HERE to visit her blog.

xx

Anna

these things i feel for you

weheartit

forgive yourself more

tumblr

I just watched the movie Eat Pray Love. I had started reading the book a few months back, but I only made it a few chapters in. Life always find its way of interrupting a good book. But there was one quote from the first few chapters that I wrote down. It epitomized everything I had felt about my last relationship, all the guilt that filled me on a daily basis:

"Let it be sufficient to say that, on this night, he was still my lighthouse and albatross in equal measure. The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland."

When I broke off the most important, meaningful relationship I'd ever been in I had no idea what to do. I knew it was coming. I could feel myself drawing back. And it was nothing he did. He had remained the same person. But in the years we'd been together I'd changed. I'd grown. And somehow I needed to get out and find myself.

The week before we broke up I went to Costa Rica to study abroad. I spent nearly three weeks disconnected from everything. In the middle of the rainforest you have nothing to do but examine your life. I was supposed to be opening myself up to new adventures, but I was falling apart at the seems.

Back in high school I would pray every single night that if God would just let this guy return his feelings for me that I would never hurt him. I would never break his heart. This isn't even a slight exaggeration. I spent countless nights bargaining with some higher power to please let me have a shot at this relationship. But here I was, having transferred back to Towson, living two houses up from him, wondering what had happened. I wanted to love him. I wanted with every ounce of my body to be happy with the relationship. But something in my had withdrawn itself and I knew no other way to deal.

I told him my feelings the night before I left for the Bahamas. I was petrified. I thought if I could just get away from the situation it would be fine. But when I cut things off I was so scared. I was unable to function. I don't think I stopped crying for 24 hours.

I will never forget my mom at my house, trying to comfort me and pull me together, telling me that I at least had to cut my grass before I left the country for a month. And so balling my eyes out I pushed (or more collapsed on) the push-lawnmower across the front yard. Looking back now it was probably a hilarious sight.

I went about my break-up in quite possible the worst way a human being can do so. Like a coward, I fled the country. I went to Hopetown where I drank myself under a table. I made horrible, poor choices. I tried to run. write. drink. anything it all way.

I spent a month there making an even bigger mess of my life there. I returned home devastated and realizing that I was even worse alone than I was in my relationship. I couldn't function in the relationship and I couldn't be by myself.

We went back and forth for years. I'd move on. Then find myself comparing someone to him. And nobody was him. They talked too much. They expected too much out of me emotionally. They didn't smell the way he did. Their bed wasn't as comfy. Everything they did was wrong. Of course in reality, one or two of these guys was doing everything that would normally be right in a relationship. But in my chaos the last thing I was capable of was building a relationship.

So for years it went like this: Meet a new guy. Spend 2 months dating them. Realize I don't care about them the way I should. Go back to my old relationship. Find myself dissatisfied with the fact that my feelings were still all over. It was awful. I couldn't get it right. I'd separate myself from the relationship and go back in hopes things would work. I was everywhere. All over the map.

It almost became a form of self-hate. I cannot express in words the guilt that ate away at me. For two years I could still cry about it. I would hear one of his songs or see him interact in public and felt this ache. I could not find a way to make it right and I could not find a way to connect with anyone else. I was in limbo.

It took a long time for me to realize that the solution was not going to be found in him or another person. I had simply changed. Something in me had transformed and this perpetual cycle I was in was only making it worse. I'd lowered my standards of dating just because I couldn't be alone. I came across some real, sorry if you still read this, assholes.

Five years it took me. Five. To even begin to come full circle. We met in the summer of 2005. I fell head over heels. And in the summer of 2010 I finally looked at myself, how much we had gone through. I still was not where I wanted to be.

It took me five years to realize I was searching for something in everyone but myself. So this summer I made a silent promise to myself that I would take a hiatus from dating. I needed to reconnect with myself. So like I do, I spent my July in the Bahamas again. I finally repaired the damage I caused post-break up five years later. I drank. But I engaged myself in life: I kayaked. I ran daily. I would meditate on the back porch. I sailed daily. I let people into my home. I attended a wedding. I took too many pictures. I met new people. I swam.

I returned home. And like anybody, I fell back on my silent promise a few times here or there. But for the most part I made it a point to focus everything from that summer on about bettering myself and my future. I refused to carry any of this pain on beyond five years. Half a decade is too long to be upset about a relationship.

I finally found a way to forgive myself. And I found that to be a huge theme in Eat Pray Love. Forgiving yourself. Because we both went through hell and back. And I think sometimes we need to just let go and cut ourselves some slack. I didn't know my life was going to change so drastically from 17 to 22. But it does. That is life. And I am so thankful that I got that shot at the relationship. Maybe it didn't end the way it was supposed to. But some day I am going to look back on this process and realize that it was preparing me for something greater. It was a stepping stone to loving myself, by myself. It sent me on a journey. And it may have taken an unnecessarily long amount of time, but I am happy. And like I quoted Ashly, "Happiness is a hard fucking road".

Forgive yourself more.

xo
Sam

A Beautiful Gift

I have been told I am hard to buy for. I am unsure why as there are so many things I love including books, beautiful soap, candles, flowers, old silver and table linen just to name a few.

I was recently given the most beautiful book from a friend. She is actually very clever as I remember saying to her quite some time ago I would absolutely love a copy of Cressida Campbell's book. Well, she remembered and over the weekend gave me the book for Christmas.

I could move straight into the paintings Cressida Campbell creates. I feel a connection with her work. I feel that she paints rooms and vignettes which have a real sense of the way we as Australians live.

I put her book on the top of the pile of books on my coffee table and everytime I walk past it, I smile. Now that is what I call a wonderful gift....the gift that keeps on giving.