now i don't know how to be friends with him

tfs

i still don't know how i feel about him. it hurts my heart when he doesn't answer my phone calls or when he doesn't call me or text me forever. this summer he said he didn't know if he even remembered what it felt like when we were traveling, when it was so good and we were having fun. and i don't know if i'm remembering anymore either. but parts of me are. parts of me remember the good so intensely that i can't stop thinking about it. like talking forever on the roof or in the hammock. or doing ridiculous things like stealing hotel room keys just to have sex just then. or standing in a ridiculous pharmacy staring blankly at their questionable assortment of condoms trying to decide which might, perhaps, maybe just work enough. but that was after we had had a little fight. and then i remember that there were also times when it was just the two of us when there wasn't much to say, when we were both drawing a blank. part of me thinks that's totally normal. part of me thinks that happens with everyone. but part of me wonders if, as he said, there was never a 'spark.' maybe there wasn't. was i just attached to the sex? but then i know i wasn't. for whatever reason, he was someone who got to see all of me. literally every corner inside and out. i don't know why i felt okay telling him everything but i did. maybe he wasn't asking for it. maybe it was too much on my part and i should have been more guarded. and maybe i should have. but how could i have felt more comfortable talking to him than i ever have talking to any other boy before. the sex.. that was also me. i guess i wanted it. he wanted it too though. he could have said no. it doesn't always have to be the girl who says no if it doesn't feel right. so i guess because of all of this what happened happened and i loved it and maybe began to love him a teensy bit too.

but now where do we go. what do we do now that we are back in that city and it isn't the same. what is it that made us both miss each other more than a little bit this summer. what were we missing. now i don't know how to be friends with him. i can hardly look him in the eyes because he will so easily be able to see how i'm feeling. we both suck at hiding our feelings. i'm afraid that even looking him in the eyes, hugging him goodbye, will give away the fact that if he asked me today if i wanted to be his girlfriend, i'd say yes. but why do i want that still? practically, i know there were some major no's in the picture. but when your heart gets so involved how can it be totally wrong. i don't want him to know that i might still like him. i want more than anything for him to be my friend and for me just to want to be friends with him. but i need him to be supportive i think. i wish he could just know that i still like him, but know that i'm trying to get over it. i wish he could try to get me to talk about other guys with him. maybe that would be too awkward but maybe it would solidify in my mind his position as just my friend. today is sunday and all i want to do is hang out with him, but what if he doesn't want to hang out with me. or what if i want to hang out, but as soon as we do i can't do it. what if i can't stop thinking of him as more than friends.

family portrait

triciamary via jpgmag

yesterday i told my best friend that i was not ready to let him go

unknown

"I believe that you, for the past few weeks have been noticing this. It's nothing dangerous or serious, but I need to get this of my chest. Lately, I've been growing feelings for you. I don't expect that you'll have feelings for me in return, but I want to make sure that there's no misunderstanding, and I want to know how you feel about me."

I finally made myself tell him, while crying hysterically on the phone with my best friend.
I finally made myself tell him that I feel.
That I feel for him, in a way that he does not feel for me.

Yesterday I cried because he had told my best friend that he knows that we have to stop what we're doing.
Yesterday I told my best friend that I was not ready to let him go. Not yet.
Yesterday I was not ready to let him go.

For the past eight weeks we have shared a very physical relationship.
For the past eight weeks my highs have been the highest I have ever had, and the lows have been so very low.
I have never been as happy as when I am with him, and I have never cried this much.
Just because I have known that he is not at his happiest when he is with me.

I know that I remind him about things that he would rather forget.
I know that I remind him everytime we meet, about the time he was cheating with me.
I know that I remind him about one of the most heartbreaking times of his life.

And that is why he will never feel for me in the way that I feel for him.

But, at least, I finally made myself tell him.

-M

you're impossible

ffffound

i want it gone. all gone.

unknown

Love is hurting me again,
Love is making me cry again.
It's aching in places that didn't ache before.

I say quietly to myself, Please.. Please let me be. Please stop hurting me.
The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.

Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting his picture from your computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in your life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone. Unrequited love is the most cruelest love out there. I'm in love, all alone. It's been a year since we broke up, of course I'm all alone, what am I thinking? Sorry it's the love gas talking. But it's so strange to be in it all by myself. If he was still in love like I am, he'll be back right? He would tell me, wouldn't he? Here's the thing: Why do we question love? Love should be blunt and straight forward. If he loves you, he'll come back. He'll come back.... Or am I bullshitting myself? There goes the question mark again. I need to get myself out of this loop. I'm in love with a man who doesn't even keep in touch with me anymore. I'm in love with a guy who, I'm pretty sure, doesn't think about me on a daily basis like I do with him. Fuck.

Only because I miss the guy who wouldn't let me get off the phone until he fell asleep.
Only because I miss the guy who was willing to drive 2 hours to come see me.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he loved me first and blushed like a little boy.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he wanted to be with me forever.
Only because he assured me that long distance won't stop him from loving me, that, "I can do it. Don't you worry about that."
The list goes on and on..

We broke it off amicably. The long distance was just too difficult. But we still loved eachother. We said "I love you" before we decided that this wasn't going to work.

That's why I'm here still drowning in that love.
It never left me.
So now I'm alone in love.
I tell myself, "It didn't work for a reason. It's been a year. You've got to move on."
But I always lose that arguement with myself.
I'm lost in love.

The past couple months have been the darkest days of my life. The time is only stretching more and more. And I'm still where I started. The walking wounded.

The unrequited love.
Doesn't matter how many drinks you have with your girlfriends. Because you still go to bed going over every detail, the what if's, the why's, that time you told him "Long distance is hard, I've tried it. I'm not willing to go through it again if you don't think you'll be able to handle it." He reponded with, "Don't worry. I love you too much." and like an idiot, I believed him. Sometimes you even convince yourself that he'll see the light and drive 2 hours to show up at your door.
I'm still waiting for little pieces of my soul to fall back into place. But how much longer? Does time really heal all wounds? Seems like time isn't on my side on this one..

It's been so long since I've seen you (heart pounding)
I miss you so much (throat thickening)
But I need the little pieces of my soul back, however long that may be (absolutely can't swallow)

- Anonymous.

A Week Off...

I'm taking off for a week or so to spend some time with my boys. I should be back by the end of next week or there-abouts. I'll leave you with this photo {top} which I was trying to take for Friday Flowers but a little friend kept sneaking into the photo!

Hope you all have a great week and I'll be back soon...

xo
Anna

the kind of feeling

ffffound