ever again

dropular

I have someone I love very much. But this story is not about him.

It’s a about a man from 1,320 miles away who somehow ended up a few feet away from me in the lecture hall. Smart, attractive, funny, with a way with words I’ve never heard before. Twisting words and phrases to paint beautiful pictures of the world I knew. I saw what I always did, but it was much more colorful than ever before. I’m a smart girl, not easily impressed, but this guy captured me. He’s so special, but can’t see it himself. He tells me how special I am, but it’s not the same and I can’t wake him up to it. I probably won’t ever meet anyone like him again if I live for a hundred years.

One day, while in his dorm, he kissed me. And I didn’t stop him. The only thing I said was, “I’m a bad person.” He asked why and I responded I have someone I care for very much. He didn’t mind and I didn’t have the willpower to stop him. This happen for another four consecutive days. I finally said that I couldn’t do it anymore because I was betraying the person I cared so so so much for. He cried and I felt like the worst person to have ever walked the planet.

Days following, this man persisted. While telling him that I couldn’t cheat anymore, the spell he had over me broke. He blamed societal rules and the way I think. He did not want me to “be” with him. Simply to share passion. He could care less if I had a boyfriend as long as we could share passion until his research scholarship is over in a year. Then he’ll just pick up and leave like this life here doesn’t matter.

This outright selfishness and juvenile response gave me a hard slap in the face. I feel like this was my test. Much like Sir Gawain, I didn’t pass, but I didn’t fail. For the rest of my life, this will be a reminder, my green sash. I never had a passing thought about betraying someone before, and I never will again. This lesson showed me there are capturing people out there, but there’s not another person made so perfectly for me. I won't find one if I searched for the rest of human existence. I’ve found him. I know it. And I know, short of insanity or death, he is the man I will marry.

I will never,

ever,

take him for granted

ever

again.

-LG